standing still.

I feel it it again, that ache deep in my bones, the toll that time and distance take on a person.

Maybe it’s about control or maybe it’s about transition. For once, it’s not me but the things around me, the people I cherish, who are moving to new cities, getting engaged, starting new jobs, moving into new apartments, or all of the above.

Maybe it’s about knowing that no matter what I do, I cannot have everything. That’s obvious, but, at the same time, maybe it’s not, like when my greedy hands desperately keep clinging to things that I cannot keep.

This will be the first August in six years where I haven’t moved. I’ll wake up on September 1st with the same job, in the same city, living in the same apartment. For once, there’s not so much change for me, at least on the surface, but I always feel a lot of changes in this heart and mind of mine.

Staying the same during this time of transition for so many others makes me wonder about myself. I wonder about how much longer I’ll stay. When is the end of this part of the story for me?

After the upheaval of JVC and my first real year of working and trying to juggle this thing called adulthood by myself, I can’t deny that part of me feels a little relieved to be staying in the same place. After so much change, and still in the midst of change, it feels good to have some routine.

While I don’t ever want to be too settled, I also know that some routine is a really good thing, and a really good thing for me. Sometimes I feel as if everyone encourages you in your 20’s to not put down roots, to not settle into anything, to not have any sort of attachments, but frankly, while that’s good for awhile, it’s not good long term, at least not for me.

For me, self care has come to mean occasionally realizing that I need to take it easy. I need a little bit of familiarity right now. I don’t need to throw myself into change every August just for the sake of change. You change when it’s the right time for you, not because it’s the right time for everyone else. Forge your own path, follow your own heart, not someone else’s timeline or rules.

Because sometimes, pushing yourself doesn’t help you. Sometimes you just need to give yourself a break and recognize that what you are already juggling is more than enough at the moment, that you don’t need to go around seeking out more just for the sake of seeking out more.

Our culture has this cult of busyness, where it’s a badge of honor to be busy, but that’s not healthy. You don’t need to do and be more everyday. Today you are you, and you are more than enough already. Be content where you are, learn to live in and love and master what you have already been entrusted with.

And sometimes we pick the hard thing just to pick the hard thing, which also isn’t quite right. Pick the right thing; sometimes that’s the difficult thing, and sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it’s wrong to stretch yourself in strange directions, when you can put your talents and gifts to better use in a different place.

And for me, for now, that means I’m staying here… and that’s the right choice for me.

Because how do you ever figure out where you want to go if you don’t ever stay in one place for awhile? Maybe that’s what the next year is about for me.

Maybe when next August comes, I’ll still stay. Or maybe I’ll be ready to leave, to change, to move. Or maybe it will be time sooner. It’s hard to say, but I know that I will know when it’s time.


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